Catherine-Ann / Pure-Grace
Jul. 20, 2022
LETTING GO OF THIS HARD DAY
Tuesday, July 19, 2022
9:11 PM
Hello, thank you for joining us!
Today was the first time that I drove myself to the hospital, since Larry's surgery on July 4th. I've been sleeping quite well and not feeling totally spent at the end of each day, so I thought I'd be ok. Well, being honked at 'for no reason' on Lougheed Hwy was my first clue. I became super careful & parked by the little park. 2 hrs free parking, I thought it would be good for me to stretch my legs a couple of times throughout the visit. Not so! After eating my lunch under a shady tree in the park, I parked my car in the hospital underground, because I knew I couldn't walk too far again.
Larry today was much like yesterday, with added signs of discomfort, confusion & whisper talking inaudible long sentences. His coughing, although not horrible, still interrupted his sleeping. That's when he would wake up, stare strait at me with no sign of recognition and not answer when I spoke to him, as he has been doing for a few days. The very best day was about 4 days ago, and gave us so much encouragement. The only thing he said that I understood was "Go for a walk!" when I told him that's what I was going to do while the nurses were attending to him.
By 5:00 I knew I would not be able to drive, so I sent out an S.O.S. via text. Geraldine & Eric responded right away. I needed a ride & a driver for my car. They took me to their home, which I usually decline at the end of these days. I laid down and crashed for 40 minutes. Wow, just what I needed. After dinner I thought I could drive home "NO!" x 2. So here I am, safe & sound, letting go of the tuff stuff of this day and embracing, especially Larry's kisses x 2.
There is no word to describe the feelings, while watching him so helpless and suffering. It got to me today. I have almost never cried while I'm with him.. Today, the tears were a steady flow as I sat beside him, holding his hand, stroking his face, arms & legs. I put my face in his hand, hoping to trigger something. He closes his eyes instantly, when I kiss his face. Ohhh! I just remembered. How could I forget. I asked him to kiss me & when I put my lips to his, he gave me a little 'smooch'… twice! He doesn't move his lips when he speaks, he's like a ventriloquist. So giving a little smack with his lips is actually huge., especially at the same time as me! "Thank you Larry!"
Enough thinking for today. I'm going to join my beautiful growing garden on our balcony and just 'be'! Please know, that whether you send me a message of any kind, that I very much feel you being part of the generous, loving village that is carrying us.
So, having shared this day with you just now, has taken away much of the pain in my heart and tears from my eyes. I will sit quietly in my garden and be soothed by the gift of lovely memories from this day.
Ohhh! Wow, did the yucky stuff ever cloud my good memories of today! Just as I was leaving home this morning, the fax machine started spitting out pages & pages of messages. They were from some of the men at Luke 15 House. A few from men who have known Larry & I for some time and others that expressed love for us, feeling they knew us through the stories the others had shared. The most beautiful gift, is that these men who are fighting for a life without the pain of addiction, are working harder, thinking of the gifts they've been given through our love for them. They are some of the many people we are offering this suffering for. There has been fruit born from this. 'To love and to be loved!' a gift some have never known before. Our hope is that each one, no matter who, knows how very loved they are by God.
God bless you. (Yes, Eric! I will put gas in the car, next time I take it out. Don't worry!"