Catherine-Ann / Pure-Grace

Aug. 7, 2022

WEIGHING THE OPTIONS OF HOPING VS BEING GUARDED 08.06.22

Saturday, August 6, 2022 6:51 PM

Hello. Thank you for your accompaniment.

Please pray specifically for Larry's kidneys to be restored to good health. They seem to be the culprit that is holding him back from moving forward with healing & recovery.

 For almost 6 full hours, I observed and listened to 'Rip VanWinkle'. Larry had an hour to go with his dialysis when I arrived. He was flat on his back, snoring. The great thing was that he was not coughing and looked like he was in a deep restful sleep. Once he was put in an upright position, he had some coughing, but it was far less often & much less severe as it has been up until now. He was very drowsy, not opening his eyes very often. He just seemed exhausted, & needed to rest. My brother Tim came and maybe saw Larry's eyes once.

  One of the few times that Larry looked into my eyes, I told him "I love you!" he tried repeating it, but nodded 'yes' instead. I had hoped that following dialysis, he would be awake & alert as he was a couple of days ago. But 'no'!

  The doctor was walking by & came in to the room. The social worker was on his tale. He said that the lungs are looking better and the last CT scan showed no added concern "Unless he's had another stroke since then!" He said that the last dialysis, a couple of days ago, hadn't produced the positive effects he had hoped for. I reminded him that Larry had dialysis this morning. "Oh, that’s right!" He talked 'again' about the worst scenario of Larry needing frequent dialysis in the future, which would not be sustainable in the community, and would he want that poor quality of life. I told him that I was quite aware of the 'worst' scenarios and that I am choosing not to nurture those thoughts, but to focus on today. He said that he was speaking loudly because he wanted Larry to hear what he was saying. That's when the social worker told him to step outside. She's a little dynamo, a great advocate for the patients & loved ones. When she returned, she told me that she'd told him basically to 'knock it off' with the need to be guarded & realizing the worst possible outcomes.

  The nurse today, took care of Larry for the second day in a row. There is something so special about her. She is very caring and attentive to Larry, treating him with such dignity & compassion, whether he is awake or sleeping. She always asks if there's anything she can do for me. I left her a little love note as I was going home, as I many not see her again.

  I felt different tonight, walking down the hallways & out of the building. I don't think it was numb, but something like it. Quite neutral! Thinking 'today was today & tomorrow will be tomorrow' whatever that brings. Larry did seem far away today. I choose hope & I choose the grace that will give me peace, through the love & support of so many! God bless you! We prayed for you today, that you might choose the same! xoox