Monday, July 26, 2021 6:53 PM

  Rough day today! I've only had maybe 1 or 2 like it, since the cancer diagnosis, then surgery, chemo & now radiation. All of it very invasive, not just physically, but emotionally (consciously & sub consciously).

  We had a great weekend, preparing for our Cursillo picnic. Chopping onions for the burgers & veggie sticks was my big effort before the BBQ. First time cooking anything in a large quantity (for 40) since Christmas 2019. Once upon a time, it would be no big deal, but these days, it was just enough to pace myself through, without being bagged.

  Today a friend called to thank me for my part in putting on the picnic, and that I must be really tired today. Tired? For sure! Worth it? Absolutely. The joy of reuniting after such a long time, sharing laughter & stories are memories I'll keep, and will rejuvenate me for a long time to come. The fatigue, won't even come to mind again after today.

  I was just lying down for a rest before dinner when she called. When she asked how I was doing today, the flood-gates opened. I told her that I'm feeling overwhelmed and shared a few things that I have difficulty dealing with. The only advice she had was that I know what I need to do, and to do just that, not worrying about taking care of other people's feelings.  So here are 'those things':

*Answering emails or other messages! I appreciate the messages I receive, but many days, I don't have it in me to respond. There is no reason, other than 'I just can't!' 

*Offers to drive me to radiation therapy! Several friends have offered to give Larry a break and drive me to my appointments. Larry & I have sorted it through! For the drive in, I pray and we are both quiet. When we arrive, I'm very calm/rested, Larry reads while I'm in my session. He says lately, that he barely gets a page read, it seems, and I'm finished & ready to go. We often do something lovely together (like a date) on the way home. On the occasional day when for 'certain' reasons, things don't go as well as usual, I am so grateful that Larry is with me. I appreciate the offers, and certainly if Larry can't take me, I'll ask someone. The reason I'm not driving myself, other than falling asleep at the wheel, is that a side effect of chemo that I have is blurred vision. I'm also on a heavy drug for the peripheral neuropathy.

*I do not take your love and concern for granted. I cannot manage though, the stress I experience, when someone shares 'how bad they feel', or 'what I should or shouldn't do or feel'.

   I know it all comes from a place of love, & I certainly hope no one is beating themselves up over something they've said. I don't want to even imagine that. So if you're one that feels 'bad' about something, please turn it around. Be good to yourself.

  Tomorrow I meet with the radiation oncologist. I'm putting my list of questions together for the meeting. Some of them very heavy. He's a lovely person, so I feel I'm in good hands, as I am with all the radiology team.

  Thank you for hearing me. I appreciate you. God bless you. xoxoxo